Life Anew

2011-01-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

I stopped writing this a pivotal point and for that I apologize. I've written the continuation in a separate document leading up to present day, but I am still uneasy about posting it. Too much of the last year still remains painful to me. The loss of a few members of my family along with the resulting chaos threatened to rip what was left of my sanity from all the things that lead up to that point. During the summer of 2010 I was broken and bleeding. Futility limping along on the urging of those closest to me while the weight of my sorrow tried to pin me to the floor. For a long time I just want to lay down and fall into nothingness, but I couldn't. Enough of my mind understood that my family, whatever part, still needed me. I had to find a way to cope for the ones I had left. I had lost so much in such a short amount of time that my mind was boggled. Reeling. When I didn't feel pain I just felt numb. So I decided to start writing again. That is how I cope. It is how my subconscious fills me in on what I missed or just didn't want to see. It made me deal with everything that had happened. The pain grew stronger as I remembered everything I'd forced myself to forget, but then it subsided.

I moved back to my home town and the pain and loss grew worse as I suddenly had a new hole in my life. The kids I'd raised since their birth in 2007. The children I nannied for. They were so much apart of my life I hadn't realized how their absence would effect me. After a month of mourning and just all around misery I asked G-d to fix my mood. Less than a week later I woke up after having cried myself to sleep over my kids... again, and I was okay. It was the closest thing to happy I'd felt all year. It was amazing, but I was apprehensive. Surely it couldn't last. It didn't fit with the pattern of the last year. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed to be happy and now someone somewhere had slipped and sent me the wrong package. They were certain to come and correct their mistake.... But, they didn't.

Life continued a steady rise back to normality. There was a small incident in the middle of Dec that threatened the return of my own person Hell and nearly lost my Dad. My car was totaled in the process. But he's okay now.

I started college this week. Something I'd always thought was forbidden to me. I'm proving to myself that I can do this. I'm breaking my own personal records now. Attend college class knowing full well I belong there. CHECK! Now I just have to get through the semester and prove to myself that I can handle more.

I'm also trying to break bad habits I've held so firmly to for so long. Keeping people at bay. Not letting them cross a certain line to get to know me. So much has happened that I've just gotten to the point that I really just don't care anymore what people think of me. I've always been quiet, but because of that people mistakenly thought that I either agreed with everything they said because I said nothing, or that I had no opinion. Newsflash. If I say nothing, usually it means I don't agree with you and if I were to voice my opinion I might cause a problem. But, my never saying anything also caused a problem. So, now when I have something to say it will be heard. You may not like it, but my remaining silent doesn't do anyone any good. Obviously it didn't before. In fact, it just made things worse. Now I don't have that excuse anymore.

The Refining Fire

2010-11-21T07:50:00.000-08:00

If you've ever been through a rough time that feels like it will never end, that there is no way you could possibly survive, you'll understand the feeling within following story.

October 1st, 2010 was marked as a black day in my book. It was my last day of work as a nanny living in Austin. That day I moved back to my hometown. It was the end and the beginning at the same terrible time. The end as I never wanted to reside there again as long as I lived, also because of that feeling having to do so was just a capper on one of the Top Ten Worst Years of my life. And it was the beginning because I was coming back to go to school. I'd finally come to the realization as I tried to live the way Mom wanted me to would only keep me here in the same financial situation as her, and that was not something I wanted. I love her, but I don't want to end up like her. And over the last five years I've learned a lot about myself. The last thing being that I truly am smarter than I thought. The most prominent people in my family growing up always said or insinuated that I wasn't very intelligent –that was my brother's department-- and that the best I could ever do is take care of children or work in an office as secretary or something, and be married. I have nothing against any of those things, but I've done both career fields and did very well at them... But it wasn't for me. There was always this little nagging in the back of my mind, wanting to see what else I could do. But Mom always talked me out of it.

So I spent the next several weeks feeling (even more) miserable, fighting off a constant wave of tears threatening to drown me. As well as the things listed above I was sad about having to leave a bigger city that I had become accustom to. Having all types of fresh produce available every day of the week, which is/was what most of my diet consists of, and also just the attitude of the city. It's kind of hard to explain. I was never in love with Austin like so many others, but I miss having so much available to me whenever I want. One example was the fact that within a 2 mile radius of my house there were AT LEAST 4 bookstores open late hours. And that's not even counting the used bookstores!

I miss my few friends still there and the congregation I was forced to leave behind months before I moved because of a stupid decision made by a prominent member. >:(

But, most of all, I miss my kids. The children I raised from infancy beginning August 2007 when the twins were born. Jack-Jack came 15 months later. Their mother was awesome. She came and went often since she worked from home in a detached office; especially when they were very young. But, not so much that it interfered-- usually. She's told me before she often thought of me as a second mother to her kids and often called me Super Nanny. I was the only person ever to take care of the children completely by myself and over night that wasn't herself or her husband. She didn't trust anyone else to be competent enough and know their habits well enough to adequately care for them for that long.

I set their daytime schedule and taught them the important lessons of their young lives. Unbeknownst to me, at the time, making them more advanced developmentally than most children twice their age. It was all in how I treated them and talked to them. They knew early on the difference between right and wrong; and could sit there and break down their justification and thought process on the subject. :) It was quite funny if you're not used to it. But even as intelligent as they were we always laughed and played and pretended. Childhood is the only time in your life when you get to act like a child. People try to make kids grow up way too fast these days in my opinion.

The two weeks leading up to my departure I trained my replacement. She was a young married girl, just turned 20, I believe, and she played several classical instruments. She liked comic books which quickly caught Luke's attention because this year he had gotten a book with all the Marvel characters in it and loved to be quizzed on them. Both the twins loved it, but especially him. But for all those eye catching things Mae wasn't me. She couldn't take care of them the way I did. They way they were used to. She couldn't multi-task very well which is required for handling 3 children under the age of 3. If left unchecked they can into all kinds of trouble. Hurting themselves or each other, escaping through an unlocked (or locked as Lucas had been able to open them for at least a year and a half) door and getting hit by a car or abducted. Heck, the girl couldn't even cut a freaking apple. It took her 10 minutes to do it the wrong way. When I saw that she was struggling with it I grabbed another out of the fruit bowel, knowing the kids would want another anyway, and cut and prepared it in 45 seconds flat. Mae looked at my finished apple then at me, dumbfounded for an immeasurable moment. I felt smug. :)

And one day as we all sat in the living room after nap-time I tried to think of all the random things the kids liked to do so she would know. (There are so many things we do automatically without even thinking about it.) I told Caroline to show Mae where their costumes were. They have their first Halloween costumes hanging in the front closet, a panda bear and a pumpkin, and love to play dress up. Even in the sweltering heat of a Texas summer. I watched as they put them on, giggling at each other and at Mae. They they tried to put the pumpkin hat on Jack-Jack's head, but he quickly tore it of; he never had patience for such things, but enjoyed watching them.

I smiled as I watched the oh-so-common scene play out and started to tear up. In my minds eye I saw them just like this, dressed up at different stages as they grew, knowing I wouldn't get to see it anymore. But, I caught myself, quickly pulling myself together. I didn't want to upset the kids, they wouldn't understand.

Then a few days later Mae and I took them to the park as we did every day. We went to Rosedale where the restrooms are across a fair sized field, away from the playground. The twins were potty training and Lucas need to go. So I took him across the field, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure where the others were. Caroline and Jack-Jack were still playing with Mae on the other side of the play ground. So Luke and I rounded the corner on the other side of the little building not facing the park and held him over the toilet (no kids potty seat). About a minute later I hear a little voice say "Where are you guys?"
I froze. Surely not. "Care?" I asked.
"I'm coming! Where are you?" she said.
I sighed with concern and frustration. "We're over here in the bathroom! Come this way!" I couldn't move to see her because I was still holding Luke.
She padded happily through the open bathroom door and started talking to Luke and I, laughing and being silly.
I looked around. There was no sign of Mae. My heart jumped into my throat. "Care, where's Mae?" She didn't answer, too preoccupied with her brother. "Care, does Mae know where you are?"
Finally she told me that yes, Mae knew where she was, but I didn't believe her. Luke finished his business then and I let him down and quickly finished our routine. I grabbed the twins hands and hurried out of the bathroom and rounded the corner to see: Mae-- barely halfway across the field (several minutes after Caroline had shown up in the bathroom) walking casually behind Jack-Jack who was headed our direction.
The twins started playing around the edge of the pavement and I was about to say something to Mae, but just as she got within ear shot she started talking to Caroline in her own soft way that she need to wait for her and stop when she's calling her. Caroline didn't pay her any attention. That wasn't the serious tone that she knew she needed to obey; it was the same as playing in her mind.
Finally, seeing that Mae wasn't making any kind of an impact (I grit my teeth at that fact) I called Care over and spoke very seriously. She stood in front of me, the playful flippancy gone, focusing on what I was saying.

"Care you can't just run off like that with out telling anyone," I said. "You must always, always stay where we can see you. What if something happened to you? Hm? What if someone took you and I didn't know where you were or how to get you back? You have to stay where I can see you so that--" I hesitated. I was about to say "so that I can protect you." But, I couldn't protect her much longer. I choked back the tears that were visibly starting to well in my eyes. I hadn't realized how much pain that single little fact would cause me. These were MY kids and I had to give them up; worse was knowing I had chosen it.

My voice was horse and strained as I continued my lecture. "So that Mae can protect you. Always stay where she can see you. Never leave her side. Understand?"

Care nodded seriously, that she understood and I had her apologized to Mae. Later I tried to talk to Mae about how to handle the kids, but she had this idea in her head that she knew everything she needed to know. I talked to Trish (the kids mom) about it and she seemed concerned. But I was leaving in a few days time and she couldn't be without help. Plus its not as if the kids were in any danger. She just needed to grow up a little and listen to my instruction. I know those kids inside and out, just as well or better than their parents. Most of their waking hours had been spent with me for their entire lives.

Anyway, the last day came and both parents came home early with a chocolate cake topped with chocolate icing and a going away gift for me. School supplies, as I was moving back home to go back to school. A freak, last minute, emotional meltdown educed decision leading to my departure. (It had been a long year with 2 deaths in the family which took up most of the remaining emotional strength I had left after a few other nameless personal stresses/tragedies had used up.)

Trish tried to explain to the kids that I was leaving for a very long time, but that I would see them again; try to come back and visit at Christmas maybe. But the boys were totally hyped up on chocolate cake, oblivious to anything she was saying. Care was right with them until suddenly I saw her face fall and knew she understood. She ran to her mother, her bottom lip quivering. Trish suggested to Care that she should give me a hug before I left, but she couldn't even look at me. She was trying not to cry, heartbroken and betrayed. I patted her back and kissed the back of her head as she hid her face in her moms neck. The entire four and half hour drive home I saw Caroline's face in my head. That moment of connection. I cried a little, but mostly I was numb. I was used to numb by then. I'd literally spent most of 2010 in a numb state.

That night I dreamed of Jack-Jack. I'd dreamed of the kids many times before, but now it was like pouring salt on a wound. And every night for the better part of the next several weeks I dreamed of the three of them. Often crying myself to sleep and continuing for a while once I woke up. I'd look around at all the things I missed and was missing. I couldn't find anything (my stuff). I struggled and scrambled to find a job, much less one that would pay all my bills. I ended up working as a Night Auditor at a hotel. When I started that job I started missing the options I had at my old job as the kids nanny. We were constantly moving, going somewhere or doing something, scheduled and timed-- just the way I liked it. I had freedom there. Working at the hotel was boring, putting it mildly. The only upside was that I had plenty of time to read and write. But, I wasn't able to write at first. I haven't been able to through most of the year, being so stressed and unfocused. Which for me, honestly, is about as difficult as losing a limb.

And as the days and weeks went by I noticed that my misery was making me miserable. I tried to push it aside, I had other more important things to worry about. But it stayed, sinking its ugly talons further into my chest as I struggled to free myself. I wasn't strong enough and soon a gave up. I would just have to deal with it. I was used to dealing with unwanted things. Story of my life. So when I was around people I would try to appear pleasant, not wanting to spread my despair around. The world already has enough of that. But I wore it like an ill fitting mask that would slip every once in a while giving the observant eye a peek at my true condition.

Anyway, the last week of October, hardly able to move for all my misery I started praying to G-d that He would fix my mood. That's all. I didn't ask Him to take it all away or to make it better, just to fix my mood. Because that was the most visual problem at the moment weighing me down. I can't change the past that lead up to it, but can try and control my present condition with His help. Six days later I wake up after crying myself to sleep yet again, thinking of the kids, and I was fine... I felt lighter for no reason at all. I think this is odd, but I get up and mill around the house. Then out of nowhere I smiled. Which if you think about its a really sad thing when smiling makes your own personal Headline news. I continued on and soon found myself laughing at some mediocre show on TV. I was in shock. So many months of darkness suddenly gone! There was only one possible reason for this. G-d had answered my prayer. But still, being the cautious emotionally browbeaten person I am, I waited for this high of pleasantness to dissipate, but still relishing in the now. I watched myself carefully over the next few days, seeing if I would suddenly slip back into the pattern of the last year, but I didn't. It's been nearly a month now and the dark veil is still gone and I can't claim any part of its absence. I had tried and failed too many times. It was G-d. Praise Him for setting me free!!

So as I sit here today, reflecting on the past year or year and a half, I can clearly see that the whole horrible experience was like being in a refining fire. Stripping me of the impurities, the things I'd trusted in and become complacent in. People I loved or truly cared about have left my life either permanently or for a season teaching me important lessons. There are too many to name. But one of the last ones that I became aware of in the last month was learning what true love is. I've been asked by my best friend a few times if I've ever been in love and I'd usually tell her “No” or “I don't know” because I didn't really understand what it meant. I'd never seen a good picture or example of what real love was. But now I have something to compare it to. I love my kids more than anything or anyone else on this planet. And I could spend hours telling you why, but still there aren't enough words in the English language to do it justice. It took my losing them to see it though.

( A little side note: I got to talked to them and Trish a couple of weeks ago and made plans to Skype after the holiday. They still want me in their lives, thank my Father, and I am happy to oblige! :) )

The biggest lesson learned. Don't fear the refining fire. You will not like it and it will hurt so bad you may wish for death, but if you press on you will come out a better person; wiser if you are observant of the pattern and the problems going up in flames.